Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)

For the love of all that is good and holy, please let the magic end in a firey crash of brimstone and hellfire. The only reason I saw this film was to make fun of it. I've never read a Harry Potter book, I didn't buy any of the toys and I didn't anxiously wait for this crappy film to come out.

Here's the pathetic plot. Harry James Potter, played by "the lucky young boy who auditioned out of the thousands", Daniel Radcliffe, is an orphaned boy who lives with his aunt, uncle, and dickweed of a cousin. He gets a mysterious letter inviting him to go to the prestigious yet mysterious Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Soon after, I myself began wondering if such a school existed. If so, I would like to learn how to cast a spell on Radcliffe to magically teleport him to a jail cell with three sex starved inmates in South Carolina. I then began feeling rather happy and content. Then I looked up at the movie screen again and realized the film hadn't ended. More crap. Harry Potter meets two other misfits in retard school, Ron Weasley, played by Rupert Grint and Hermione Granger, played by Emma Watson. They stumble upon an evil plot by their teacher, Severus Snape, played by Alan Rickman, to steal something guarded by a three headed giant dog named "Fluffy".

Stop right there. Where the hell did they come up with these names? Severus Snape? Hermione Granger? The damn stupid computer dog doesn't even have a cool name. They couldn't have made at least something good?

From there the movie drags on and on. Kid lacks self esteem, does something no one expected him to do, yada yada yada...enter the ending plot twist to set up for the sequel.

This mockery of a film was directed by Chris Columbus, who gave the world such cinematic headaches and Mrs. Doubtfire and Home Alone. As far as Chris Columbus's direction of this film goes, I hope that his movie director's license gets revoked and he is forced to take a job as a guy who has to clean up vomit on school buses.

However, for the amount of negativity I'm showing towards this film, there were high points. The special effects were entertaining. It amazes me how much computer-designed special effects work into films today and how good it looks compared to five years ago. Secondly, nowhere was there any sign of Hulk Hogan (see my last article on the Hulkster). Finally, the film's running time was short enough that I was able to make it to the bar and begin drinking in hopes of forgetting what a terrible, terrible film this was.