Hulk Hogan

I'm a big fan of professional wrestling. I'm a big fan of film. When you cross film into the world of pro wrestling you get quality documentaries like Beyond the Mat ( 1999 ) or Brett Hart: Wrestling with Shadows ( 1998 ).

When you cross pro wrestling into the world of film you get such crap as Ready to Rumble ( 1999 ) starring David Arquett and a host of bumbling WCW wrestlers and The Mummy Returns ( 2001 ) starring Dwayne Johnson a.k.a The Rock. Who is to blame? None other than Hulk Hogan. Brilliant as a pro wrestler but terribly retarded as an actor.

Hulk Hogan began his film career innocently enough as little more than an extra in Rocky III, portraying a pro wrestler going against Rocky, a boxer, in a charity match. Hogan than stretched his acting skills to portraying a pro wrestler who wrestled other pro wrestlers in matches where he got paid in the major motion picture No Holds Barred ( 1989 ). No Holds Barred lasted at the box office no longer than a Ernest P. Worrell film festival at the Apollo. Most common people would chalk up this failure as a learning experice and continue doing what they do best in life. Not Hogan, he would further violate the world with his offensive acting skills. Enter Suburban Commando.

So here's the premise, an alien bounty hunter lands in middle class America in search of an evil alien who wants to take over Earth. Sounds good so far? You've thought too quick, the bounty hunter, played by Hogan, befriends the family and hilarity is allegedly to ensue, but it never does.

Hogan basically repeats the same joke over and over again: he doesn't know his own strength and something that's not suppose to get broken, gets broken. Car doors, front doors, neighborhood dog's legs it was all the same joke. Afterwards Hogan always has the same dumb look on his face as if he just got kicked in the balls. Yet again, a terrible, terrible film. Normal people would be discouraged, but then again, pro wrestlers aren't normal people.

Since Suburban Commando, Hogan has defiled the world several times with such films as Mr. Nanny ( 1993 ), 3 Ninjas ( 1995 ) and the worst film ever made (according to me), Santa With Muscles ( 1996 ).

So where does Hulk Hogan belong in the world of film? No where! Not any place! He shouldn't be in films as an actor, producer or director, he shouldn't even be allowed to have a video rental membership for fear that he might contaminate good films with his mere pressance. Words can not depict how terrible an actor Hogan is, only nightmares of children who have lived through a holocaust can. As human beings it is our duty to buy faster cars so we can drive to church quicker to pray that God will never let Hulk Hogan make another movie again.