Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

High above the mucky-muck in the longy-long ago the Great Writer of Dorky Fantasy books wrote the Magic Ring Book. The Great Writer spawned a clan called the Weirdos-Who-Refuse-to-Deal-with-the-Real -World-and-Wear-Leather-Trenchcoats who worshiped the Great Writer and his Magic Ring Book. The Weirdos-Who-Refuse-to-Deal-with-the-Real -World-and-Wear-Leather-Trenchcoats formed an allegiance with Lord Khan the Kapitalist to join more people into their clan. The people that Weirdos-Who-Refuse-to-Deal-with-the-Real -World-and-Wear-Leather-Trenchcoats wanted to join their clan were the Mainstreamers, a race of people who did not cut their hair in the shape of a mullet and had women who weighed less than 300 pounds. Weirdos-Who-Refuse-to-Deal-with-the-Real -World-and-Wear-Leather-Trenchcoats wanted to be like the Mainstreamers. Lord Khan wanted the gold from The Mainstreamers. But the Mainstreamers shun the Weirdo's-Who-Refuse-to-Deal-with-the-Real -World-and-Wear-Leather-Trenchcoats, for their ways were odd and pooftery.

Lord Khan devised a diabolical plan with the Slime People of Hollywood, probably led by the Crap Monster Hulk Hogan, to turn the Lord of the Rings game into not one, but three major motion pictures to draw the Mainstreamers into his green shadow and take their gold. The Mainstreamers fought off Lord Khan, but they were deceived by the good King of Burgers who began giving away Great Glass Collector Items. The Mainstreamers were sucked into it. They went to Lord Khan's movie and sat for three hours watching Unholy Boredom. Just when the Mainstreamers believed they had defeated Lord Khan, they were deceived again. Lord Khan had under his power the strength of the Scribes who placed a clever plot twist to trick the Mainstreamers into seeing the sequel.

Yup, that pretty much sums it up. Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring was the first of three crappy three-hour movies brought to us by Capitalists and Hollywood bastards, led by none other than Hulk Hogan. The Hulkster did not appear in the film and was not involved in the production of it, but he was behind it... somehow.

There were some good points to the film, I guess. The special effects were great. The monsters were very scary and the cities were nothing short of bitchin'. The acting wasn't too bad, Elijah Wood was very good as the main character of Frodo. Other people in this film who turned it out were Liv Tyler, who played an elf, Ian McKeller, who played a magician, and Sean Astin, who played a dyslexic yet spunky Hobbit who wanted to play football for Notre Dame.

The thing that I really didn't like about the film was the fact that it was three hours long. The kid has a ring, he's being chased by bad guys, he's about ready to get killed and someone comes out of nowhere and saves him and they run from the bad guys again. Over and over and over again. Same bad guys, same stupid kid, different people saving his monkey-ass and then running from the bad guys.

The other thing I didn't like about the film was the laborious use of obscure phonetic sounds put together to create names of people, places, and things. Even this is just a personal preference. I never read any of J.R.R. Tolkien's books nor am I really even a fan of the genre of fantasy games. My sister, who saw the film with me and is a fan of the subject matter, was not phased by the gratuitous use of the dialog being spoken by Otter Pub of Mead Ville who spoke to Mork of Ork about the sacred Spray Bottle of Febreze that could magically lift the Stains of Darkness from Heavyweight Fabrics, Carpets, and Upholstery.

How do I rate this film? It's 9.5 out of 10 if you like this genre. It probably would have been a 10 out of 10 if David Bowie and some Muppets were in it. If you're a Mainstreamer like me, I give it a 7.5 out of 10. It's not a bad film, but it's too friggin' long!